You know what I really miss about blogging? Just that sense of relief to get out all my thoughts and opinions of whatever is going on in my life and the world. I could come here and just release all my profound thoughts for the world to see. It makes me feel like I’m actually contributing to the world’s rotation as it moves through time. It’s not that I really think that my thoughts are really that “profound” or that their that significant. I really don’t get a lot of readers. Most of the people who visit my page are just looking at the quotations said/written by other people or looking at the photos that I didn’t even take, but I publish because I like them. No, people don’t really look at what I have to say. But I feel like if I just put them out there, then there are no excuses. People can now see what I have to say. People can look at my thoughts. I’m not hiding anything, except for my identity. There’s secrecy in my openness, which I think is just what I need. It’s just what I want. That’s why I think I’m going to come back to this. Life has been hitting me pretty hard this year, and I think I’d like to share it.
I can’t help but glancing out the window to make sure the rain is still coming down. I feel like it’s been years since I’ve seen the rain that it will just disappear when I’m not looking. I’ve missed the rain. I miss standing in the middle of a rainstorm and just letting myself get wet. I love the feeling of the cold water gently poking at my face. It feels like it washes away everything that I try to hide, but in a way that makes it even better. My makeup is gone, my hair is natural, even my heart softens and that wall I work so hard to build up around it starts to come down a little. I am so vulnerable, but so much stronger in the rain. I am afraid of nothing. It’s like no one else’s thoughts exist but mine. There is no judgement. There is nothing to fear.
I wish people weren’t so similar all the time. It get’s really annoying to see people behaving so predictably.
The world’s becoming more and more blurry everyday. No one wants ordinary, but what they fail to realize is that there has to be an ordinary to make the extraordinary. Things move too fast now. People want too much. We’re forgetting everyone else, only wanting for ourselves. The world is more selfish than ever. Have we so quickly forgotten about what grows beneath our feet? Have we already forgotten how to live? Or what to live for? I’ll tell you now, it’s not for ourselves.
Will Winter ever come?
"There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."Lord Byron
You know, sometimes I can’t help but cry over the world. It’s like a tragedy. Beautiful, yet so much death.
Call me naive, but I still have hope for a better world.
You know what I find weird to think about? The fact that all around the world, no matter where, each minute comes at the same time. There are billions of clocks all around the world, ticking at the same pace (theoretically) and moving forward to the same thing—tomorrow.
How is it that our clocks can move together, but we can’t?
Even though I graduated this year and feel like I have finally entered the first official stage of adulthood, I can’t help but feel even smaller. My insignificance is overcoming me and making me feel like I’ve done nothing yet. I feel like I’ve wasted 18 years with nothing. It’s not that I feel like I should just start working on everything on my bucket list right now. I feel like that is overrated. What is really bothering me is that my life right now is just too filled with loneliness. I’ve always felt like I wanted to be alone, but all that does is make me wonder why I’m alone. Why do I push people away? I don’t mean to, but for some reason it just happens. I don’t want this anymore. I want to be with people. I want to feel like I’m connected with the world. I was put on this Earth for a reason, so shouldn’t I work to be a part of it? I want to be a part of that web of people who will support me and protect me and be with me as I go through life. It’s like what Marina Keegan said in her last piece for the Yale Daily news, “We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life.” Life is not about waiting. Life is not about being by yourself or “finding yourself” because there is no finding yourself. That’s just an excuse to shut people out. Being alone is fine. Just like turning off the TV and music for a little silence. But eventually that silence will drown even your thoughts out, not allowing new ideas to circulate through your mind. You start running in circles as nothing but the same thing happens day after day. This isn’t just something for high school or college kids. Life is meant to be spent, so why don’t we spend life for as long as we live?
Hole in the Ocean Floorby Andrew Bird. Probably one of my absolute favorite songs ever. Not for lyrics for there aren’t many. Mostly for the way he uses mostly just a violin, which always makes me happy (being a violinist). Just the melody makes me feel like I’m being scooped up by a breeze, or like I’m laying on my back in a canoe being taken away by the sea. It’s so carefree, not really structured like other songs. It is, but loosely. It makes me want to do more and less at the same time. It’s like time is frozen right in these 8 minutes and 18 seconds as I listen to it. It could put me to sleep anytime, but into the happiest sleep I’ve ever experienced. I cannot not smile during this song.
In reality, this song is about an oil spill. It’s about nature and how it’s their home. In my mind, it’s more like this ocean is my home—my haven. Why would I want to harm that?
I don’t really know what I’m talking about anymore. It’s not even that late, so I can’t really blame the fact that I’m tired. I mostly feel sick, but that’s beside the point. The point is is that I love this song to death. Just listening to it makes me feel closer to the world, like I’m a tree or something. That sounds weird, but that’s what it is. Like my feet are literally planted into the ground and I have a connection to the Earth itself.
Those days I forget my phone are the best. They are the days I don’t care what other people think. They are the days I am not tied down to the world. They are the days I am free.
Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?
To fly on broomsticks and hippogriffs
Around the castle and
Over the Forbidden Forest.
I would give anything to
Wave to the giant squid
Or conjure a patronus against
A hundred soul-eating creatures.
Despite the dangers of trolls,
Dragons, Two-faced Men,
And all the evil in the world
Of all the house-elves
And Children’s Tales
I would face it all
For the love, friendship
And adventure I’d get in return.
What has happened to this world? Why is the word LOVE being so mistreated when all it’s wanted to do is bring peace into the world? It’s become a word that is either overused or not used enough. It’s become one of those filler words that you use when you’re buying time. You don’t really mean it, but you know the other person is expecting you to say it. It’s meaning has been changed from a verb to a feeling. “I [feel] LOVE [for] you.” “I [have] LOVE[ing feelings for] you.” I really just wish that LOVE the way God intended it would still exist in our world. At least in the way he intended it to be. Now, it only exists in the ukulele. It works for me, but I need something more. Something tangible. Something I can smell when I get up in the morning, like a morning frost. Or something to put me to sleep at night, like a light rain. True LOVE isn’t something just for the romantics. It’s something you have to work at, to practice. We are made to LOVE others, everyone. Not to just reserve it for one person (not like anyone does that anyway). I am getting tired of jerks running around extinguishing every light they can find. I am also getting tired of romantics running around like they are saints. Don’t LOVE for yourself. LOVE others.