My absence from the internet is taking a brief hiatus as I have the urge to explain what I’ve found. Before all this. Before my intermission, I came here to write. I wrote because I had no one to express myself to. But I also had nothing to express. Hardly any life was in me because I hadn’t begun to live. A lonely life isn’t one people enjoy to read about, I have found. But this is not the reason I have escaped back into the world. Really, I didn’t even mean to. I was just looking for companionship. I needed to find people to make allies with as I usually do. People I wouldn’t be devastated if I lost, since I tend to lose people so easily. But no. I stumbled upon people who wouldn’t accept anything less than a real relationship. I stumbled upon a man who wasn’t about to let me go so easily. I stumbled upon life. I found what Chris McCandless went all the way to Alaska and to his death to find. “Happiness is only real when shared.” It’s true. I am the introvert who found her way into the world of the extroverts. And was satisfied. Books and words will forever be my companions, my old friends. But it’s not as tangible as what I’ve found and I cannot sustain forever off of it. I will always enjoy my time alone with my books and stories, but it’s my story that I am more anxious to finish.
It’s not about finding friends or a significant other or any of that. It’s not about being accepted. I can live without all that. But really, I just want to feel like I’m a part of something. I want to be able to look forward to something. I just want someone to go to when something happens. That’s love, right? Not romantic love, just…companionship. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s what women were created for, right? God saw that Adam needed a companion, so he created one for him. I just feel like I’m not doing my job when I am not with someone. I feel like I should be there for someone, doing something.
I hate this selfishness. What has it done to me? It’s turned me into someone who keeps to herself all the time. I am trying to put myself out there more, but I can’t. I love secrecy too much to be willing to reveal what’s in my heart so freely. Even if it’s as simple as “I want to go see a movie right now.” I am not willing to say it because for some crazy reason, I think that this will reveal the deepest part of my soul.
- Me: There's an owl in my backyard. He's just sitting there looking at me.
- Friend: Did he bring you mail?
- Me: Yes! It was from the Ministry of Magic. They are sorry that they forgot to enroll me in school 8 years ago and are offering me a private study program from some guy named Harry. He's supposed to be the best guy there is. This is very exciting!
Something strange I’ve discovered. Although I’ve pretty much always known this, but it’s never been anything I’ve wanted to admit. So here it is. It may be easy to say that being alone is good. It allows you to be yourself and to figure yourself out. But at the same time, being with people allows you to love. It’s what keeps the smile on your face, even though nothing funny happened. It’s what creates memories. Being with friends is what makes a life rather than wasting it. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not a loner. Sometimes I like to pretend to be so I can have an excuse to just be lazy and be by myself. But at the same time, I like to be with people to feel like I’m actually a part of this world. I don’t want to be one blade of grass by itself in the desert. I would rather be in the meadow, more likely to survive and thrive through the year.
- Me: I hid the body...now what?
- Friend: ...
- Friend: Now go take care of the witnesses.
I hate it when I fall in love with fictional characters. But they are the only guys who seem real.
How you’re feeling today:
Your love life:
What you’ve been doing today:
Your relationship with friends:
Your relationship with family:
When people first meet you, they think:
When you’re alone:
Your feelings on the world:
Your feelings towards school:
If you were to be proposed to, your reaction would be:
Your feelings if you won the lottery:
What a potential employer would think of you:
You on your wedding day:
People at your funeral:
Your reaction to finding out the world is going to end:
What you would do in attempt to save it:
Your best attack move:
Your reaction to a gun in your face:
So this is what has happened to my friend, Melanie, in the past few months:
Melanie finds an opportunity to win backstage passes to meet The Band Perry
Melanie asks to use her friends’ emails to get the best chance of winning
Melanie wins the tickets!
Melanie writes a song to invite Neil Perry to prom.
Melanie finds out she cannot bring her guitar into the Sprint Center and therefore cannot perform it for Neil.
Time doesn’t exist. I have already figured that out. It’s something that humans invented so they can feel connected to each other. Something they invented to create just one more thing to worry about. They needed an explanation. An explanation for what fills the air. What is in air? Time, they said. Then, people forgot that it was just something they made up. Now, people depend on it. They depend on something that doesn’t exist. It’s like leaning against a wall that isn’t there. You’re just going to fall. God doesn’t even see time. I can’t wait until the day I enter heaven and days won’t even exist anymore. It’s not like we shouldn’t recognize time. If we didn’t, all chaos would break loose. We can’t stop now. Just remember, time isn’t everything. Time is nothing.